I've unwittingly lived my adult life with the deep, sharp fear that scarred my early childhood and teenage life. I've been left exhausted by an absence of trust, a gnawing uncertainty and frankly, a toxic co-mingling of physical violence and love. This has only brought unnecessary suffering; to myself and to those that I love. I have avoided actions that would bring much joy into our world, preferring instead to exist in a cognitive 'safe mode' and emotional isolation. I have clung oh-so tightly to familiar and unhealthy patterns, partly as a rough and worn comfort blanket - but mostly because the alternative meant getting closer to others. And that fucking terrified me.